Ters-evcilleştirme

     Geçenlerde visual stimuli topladığım sitelerden birinde görmüştüm o büyük cümleyi: 

"You are eternally responsbile for what you tame." (Evcilleştirdiğin şey için sonsuza dek sorumlusundur.)

     Aklıma ilk gelen, kediler, köpekler, aslanlar, kuşlar değil çocuklar oldu. Doğdukları günden itibaren sıkı bir evcilleştirilme politikasına maruz kalan bu küçük insanlardan sonsuza kadar sorumlu olan, hatta bundan haz duyan ebeveyinleri düşündüm. Görevlerinin kucaklarına düşen bu minik insanları evcilleştirmek olduğunu zanneden anne babalar. 

    Gerek yaptırım gerekse koşullandırma ile evcilleşişimizi hatılardım. Defalarca tekrarlanan "çıplak ayak dolaşma, hasta olacaksın"lardan tutun, "tabağındaki bütün yemekler bitmeden tatlı yok"lara kadar hatırlamaya başladım kendi evcilleştirilme sürecemi. Sonra da bütün öğrendiklerimi unutmaya niyetlendim. Kendimi, kendim evcilleştirmeye karar verdim. Kendi hakikatlerimi kendim yaratmayı hayal ettim.

     Çok da zor birşeymiş bu ya. Ashtanga hocalarımda Nicolaj söylediğinde inanmak istememiştim: "Birşeyi öğrenmek 100, öğrendigin bir şeyi ters-öğrenmek 1000 tekrar gerektirir." diye. Meğersem yumuşatarak söylermiş gerçekleri. 1000 değil bazen 10000 tekrar gerekirmiş bazı şeyleri ters-öğrenmek için. Mesela "insanın para kazanması için çok çalışması lazım." 


    Ve gerçek 'büyümek' şimdi başladı.


     İnsanın kendi sorumluluğunu almasıymış büyümesi. Anneyi, babayı, toplumu, havayı, suyu, uçan kuşu, yürüyen böceği suçlamak yerine, kendinde bulmasıymış hatayı. Ters-evcilleştirmesiymiş bireyin kendisini. Kendi kendinin elinden tutup, doğduğundan bu yana tüm öğretinlenleri unutup, 'kendi'ni öğrenmeye adım atmasıymış büyümek. Çıplak ayak dolaşınca hasta olunmazmış, para cok kolay kazanılırmış. 

     İnsanın sadece kendine güvenmeye başlamasıymış asıl büyümek. Her kararın sonucunu, iyi ya da kötü, sevgiyle kucaklamasıymış. Ne de olsa karar benden çıktı. Daha yeni öğreniyor ablası, daha ilk adımlar bunlar. Sık sık kaybolup, anne baba diye ağlayası gelse de, kendini kucaklamasıymış insanin büyümesi. Zor bir şeymis.

     Büyümekten artık korkmuyorum. Nitekim büyümek, saçma sapan sorumluluklar alıp onların üstesinden gelmek değilmiş. Kariyer yapmak, aile kurmak, çocuk büyütmek değilmiş.

     Hergün kendi küçük elimi tutarak başlıyorum güne. Hadi bakalım Meyhayat, gel bir de bu yoldan yürüyelim. Çıplak ayak yürüyelim. Bakalım hasta olacağımıza hala inanıyor muyuz? Unutmaya başlayalım ki kendimizi hatırlayabilelim. 

    Kadehimi kendini hatırlamaya çıkanlara kaldırıyorum. Umarım yollarımız kesişir birgün. Nitekim sizin yolunuzu da cok merak ediyorum.

Leggo my eggo

How long one can survive with no feedback. How long one can convince thyself that the world around exists, even though no feedback received.... reach out, reached at... I know I once said 'you have to reach out to be reached at' but how long one can reach out, without being reached at. 
A little mercy, mister. 
No more misery.
For a change,
Give me a miracle... a good one(Martin adds)...

I talk to the mountains. 
Do they talk back to me? 
Do they even know that I am addressing them? 
They are on stand still. 
I am on standstill. I am craving,
I am longing, I am maddening yet I am standstill. 
I cannot move, I cannot dare to breath, but I feel.
Oh, how much I feel.
'Feeling' is my ability. What makes me different from all the others. 
What makes me 'me' and others 'others'.
Would I take 'the cure' if I were given one?
Would I end it once and for all and be just like others?

I shall not kiss when I am not in love.
I shall not laugh to dumb jokes, for giggles.
I shall not give in easily for the looks.
I shall remember that love comes to who is ready. 
Time is not a matter in this equation. 
Time is just a nuisance, with its own pace.
Now I have to wait for a long time 
for this love to fade and wait 
and be ready to be able to fall in love again. 

I am time, running out.


Billy or the Kid

Billy the Khief

You know what I would like to do? 

Break in to people's homes and steal trivial stuff... not like their TV's or laptops or anything valuable, but invaluable in price though priceless in their possession...say that specific octagon shaped key, that fits a very specific screw on their bicycle. 
So when they are in dire need of that key, say that specific screw on their specific bicycle needed a specific tightening, every once in a while, they would look around for it, like crazy, thinking where or when they might have misplaced it, scratching their heads, all confused...
And in the mean time, I would be in my room, in my apartment, rubbing my hands and giving out that infamous evil laugh:

muuuhhhhaaahahahahahahaha

One can live on that thrill forever, muuhhhaaaahhahahahahahaah.


Billy the Kid

From Fire to Ashes, we go....

While Prometheus was facing his own misery in dignity on the top of the Caucasus Mountain where his liver was eaten by the eagle for all eternity, I got the chance to talk to him at nights, when his liver grew back only to be re-eaten in the following morning. As I asked him every question I desired, and listened to his humble answers, I realized how grateful we should be for his sacrifice, since it has been over 500.000 years since he stole the fire from the gods and gave it to us, humans, ergo causing the fury of the one god everyone avoids, Zeus and have been paying for it since then, 500.000 years of torture and more to come (Since Heracles is too busy devouring himself in the earthly pleasures of lust). As I looked at him in pity and sadness he looked back at me with love and said:

"Dot' fret my dear, don't feel guilt, hence I'd do it again..."

Prometheus would have done it again if he was given another chance. He would have stolen the fire for us, again, knowing he'd be tortured till eternity(Dear Heracles, get over yourself). Because he believed in us, he believed that we had such potential. He still does, in the dawn of our downfall, he still believes in us. If we do not owe it to anything or anybody, we owe it to Prometheus. We have to make a better end for ourselves than the one we are leading towards to... for Prometheus.

Name of the Game

When does it happen? 
How does it happen? 
You never know and you never will. You just get hit by it. 
You are as shocked as before, unbelieving, puzzled and confused. 
You just don't undestand how quick, how uncanny and sneaky it can approach you and you just don't understand until it is all over, 
until it is too late, 
until the arrow had left the bow and 
until you are on a road that you cannot turn back. 
until you give that heart of yours and you cannot take it back.

The name of the game is 'falling in love' and it is the best game that man has ever invented.

It is so unpredictable. You never know how it will happen, when, who, but it will happen when you are ready. Not when you THINK you are ready, but when you are really ready. Ready to suck in all the joy and pain that love has to offer. It will happen when you do not look for it, really, believe me. It will creep up on you from behind, catch you breathless and shaken, not stirred, no olives, dry...

The name of the game is "falling in love" and it is the best game that man is entitled to play. 

the lie or the truth

So the doctor comes to my room and asks:

"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you?" and then he explains how sometimes lying about a patients' terminal condition works as a placebo and actually helps them get better with no apparent, medical reason. He explains how the apparent existence of hope can sometimes, even though rare, cure patients.

And then he adds that sometimes the opposite where the sudden revelation of imminent death can give the patients the last minute boost they needed to save it all, literally where they do everything in their power to physically and mentally get better or figuratively where they make their last days/weeks/months count like it never did before. So he points out:

"Both cases have advantages and disadvantages. The patients who do not know about the seriousness of their condition may go on living the way they did before, missing out on all the good stuff they might have done if they had know any better. And the patients who did know may succumb to depression under the pressure of the truth and  do a hell lot less with their life than the scenario where they had been given hope. So which scenario you think you'd benefit from the best?"

I think briefly and  say:

"I think I'd like you to lie me the truth."

Apostrophe's

Yesterday, there I was at Coney Island, enjoying the amazing "warm but not too hot, cool but not too cold" weather alongside the ever missed tiredness of 12 miles bike ride down that followed a 28 miles bike ride up to the cloisters yesterday, I saw this oldish guy by the pier where I parked my bike as I was motioning to head back up to Sunnyside where the sun always shined no matter what.

The oldish guy, but when I say oldish I am talking about a well rounded 70 years in his pocket, was sporting an ill fitted suit due to his age and his mediocre tailor and a bouquet of flowers hinting the possible arrival of a missus.

Even though the positive aspect of still having the mojo to date and even wait with flowers and suit, the idea of 'being stood up" crossed my mind. Maybe the way he stood up at the end of the pier, one foot out, or maybe his energy made me feel ever absence of the lady of the day. As he walked off the pier, alone, flowers dangling by his side, I could not help but think: "I hope he was not stood up. I hope he just came on to the pier to gather his thought and balls for a crazy night ahead. And it is too early to meet the missus anyways, at 3.30pm. I am sure he is just enjoying some fresh air. You go get them tiger!"
You go get them tigers... you all deserve a little bit of encouragements. Apostrophe's!!! Extra Apostrophe's!! one dollar!! For your plural's!!!"